our beautiful/not-so-beautiful mess

The Getaway:

In the middle of our swirling craziness of life right now, Seth and I got away last weekend.

It. was. awesome.

We usually try to go somewhere for our anniversary because we feel like marriage is something to celebrate. This year I was telling Seth that I just really needed a retreat, to go somewhere un-busy and slow-paced. For a few reasons: one- I am major pregnant right now and going going going did not sound fun, two- life at home has been hard with our spunky, spirited, defiant, but oh so sweet almost two year old. I am WORN OUT, three- our quality time together has been especially slim between work, parenting, *finishing* the house, and other things we have going on.

So we searched a bunch of awesome recommendations from people (thank you to you who recommended places on facebook or otherwise to us, they all looked awesome!). Due to the fact that we basically had ONE good weekend left to do this before this baby comes, we had little options as far as making reservations. We knew we wanted a bed and breakfast...well I knew we wanted a bed and breakfast. We stayed in Galena for our first year anniversary and decided to try to find a place there again, and God SO provided the most amazing retreat we could have picked.

It was soooo nice to be able to have uninterrupted conversation that wasn't about parenting or house renovations or work. We spent the weekend sharing our hearts and talking about our marriage and the things God has done in it these past months and year since we've moved back to IL and years as a whole- the good, the bad and the ugly. We had slow, un-rushed mornings and ate delicious food that we didn't have to scarf down or cut into little pieces. I'm telling you- it. rocked. We went hiking, which was sort of humorous, considering that Seth had to basically push my 33.5 week pregnant self up the steep parts...but it was beautiful in the midst of changing leaves and pretty fall weather. It was just what we needed to refuel before our little boy enters the world and a welcomed refreshment in the midst of the "terrible twos" of our little Gracie Mae.

The Backstory:

To be totally honest...we have, in the past 6 months or so, gone through a complete demolition and rebuilding process of us individually and as a couple. It. has. hurt. But a good kind of hurt.

This past year has been especially hard for us, moving back to IL. The combination of moving, moving with a baby, living back and forth between parents and a rental, buying a new/old house, financial stress, a new pregnancy, finding a church, finding community and friends, and the super bitter cold winter we had were just some of the things that made it difficult.

Yes, these things definitely did not help. But they were not the problem. They didn't cause our fights or the dark season in our marriage. The baggage and the traumas we brought into our marriage definitely have impacted the way we handle/view/feel things but they didn't cause these things either.

We did. Us as individuals and our own individual sin habits. And our idols that we've built over time. And our pride. It's with a shying-away expression I write those ugly things. We went to a Biblical Counselor and begged him to tell us what the root of our issues were. We told him we just wanted to get to the root of what was causing these conflicts (and truly both thinking it must be something in the other person that just had to change). We sat across from him in his office and in the most loving and genuinely compassionate way he could, he looked directly at us and explained that the root of our cycles, our conflicts, was our own individual sin and that we cared more about ourselves or our idols than we did about worshiping God.

Ouch. Raw Truth. My mind wanted to automatically begin to justify how this wasn't really completely all that true. And that is when it really started to hurt...as we walked through what this looked like, how it had been hurting each other and mostly how it was idol worship. It was such an intense pain as God tore down/continues to tear down all of our comforts, securities, refuges in anything but Him. The pain seared and felt unsafe and unsure at times. Oddly, it was the best kind of pain we've ever felt.

But at the same time He tore down, He built. He added faith to believe that He is the only real safe place. He added grace upon grace that ripped down walls of perfection. He added love that blinds out the ugly nature of criticism and judgement. When we decreased, He increased. When we obeyed Him at His Word instead of performing or doing something for a specific wanted outcome, He gave a supernatural peace, even in the midst of deep rooted pain.

This has been and is one of the the hardest things we have ever done. Learning to really and truly deny ourselves for God's glory. Denying what makes me feel safe when I feel completely terrified. Denying what I want and, this one is especially difficult for me, denying hopes and expectations that- even good things at times- have become an idol for me instead of just a desire. The whole idol building thing happens so silently and so easily.

Without basically writing everything we have been learning and relearning (which may happen eventually), we are in a season of rebuilding the foundation of who we are in Christ and what marriage is really about and how it really is supposed to work. I think we are still on the foundation of this thing- no walls yet or a roof, definitely no decoration yet. We don't want to rush it, we want it to be solid and full of Him.

So to sum all of that up: We learned that the root of our "problems" is our own sin and pride. "We do what we do because we want what we want"- this has been an often repeated quote in our home and even in our parenting. We finally realized that the other person isn't the problem, we are. If we individually don't change and break the chains of pride and idols then our marriage will not get better. It can't be up to the other person. But for so many years we were convinced it was. It's still a hard lesson and will continue to be as we continue do do marriage and life and parenting. But we've been promised everything we need is in Christ, so we can do it and we can do it right.

It's messy and there is a whole lot of need for a whole lot of grace and forgiveness and confession and redo's and humility and love, truly loving rightly.

So this year we celebrate 6 years of mess and heartache and complete joy and healing and freedom.

As we go into year 7, I told Seth I hope for a year of "settling" and "establishing". We will be rounding out the major projects on our home renovation, we hope to get involved with community and a small group, we want to open our home to anyone who wants a place to come and talk or wants a warm meal- even if it is canned soup :). We want to establish who we are as a family and be a family growing through the mess ups and the unpretty moments.

So, Seth Braker, let's continue this crazy, faith dependent, grace filled, messy, beautiful and real journey together!

Here are some pictures from our weekend, be warned- they are mostly all selfies of us.

33.5 weeks

On our hike that I barely made it!

My awesome breakfast date both mornings

The view from our porch, it was soo pretty.

Our "anniversary" dinner, I had maple pecan salmon over sweet potatoes and veggies and seth had coffee rubbed skirt steak with tomato verde sauce and roasted potatoes- SO good.

The same place we hiked to 5 years before for our first anniversary. 

Let's go on many more adventures together :). 

***We have dear friends that gave us the gift of transparency into their lives, into their freedom journey. It taught us that we so often live isolated, neat looking lives when so many times are falling apart or at the very least struggling on the inside. The more they shared, the more we drank in and learned the beauty of be real and authentic and the healing that can come with that. Noone lives a perfect life.We continue to share our story in hopes that God will use it to reach someone else's struggle. So to tag onto this, there is a song that I've been listening to lately that encompasses what i'm trying to say. We aren't meant to live this life alone. 

It is called "No Man is an Island" by Tenth Avenue North.

and to end it, here is a video of my girl dancing to it :)