Redefining acceptable for myself...(but seriously baby boy you can come anytime)...

Well the count down is on. 6 days to be exact. That is until my due date- November 13th. I thought I would have had him by now. By this point with Gracie, she was almost 3 1/2 weeks old. I am getting so antsy. I feel so overdue because she came so early, I've never been this pregnant. And baby boy is quite content in there- not really showing any signs of impending birth. I am having a hard time being patient.

I think I've placed an expectation on myself to "go" early. My self-imposed perception of society is that to have an acceptable birth I need to go early....that making it to my due date is like saying "you failed" and going overdue is just really bad. I realize this sounds ridiculous to probably most readers, I'll admit, I have ridiculous and irrational thoughts. I mean I'm a nurse, I teach childbirth ed. I know that facts about brain development being the best in a full term infant, etc.

I liken it to how society says that in order for a woman to be beautiful she must be thin. It's such a lie, ridiculous and a prison we put ourselves in. I'm doing the same thing with childbirth. I've been looking at my due date as an approaching day that will just label me as a failure because I haven't had my baby by then. I've been the queen of placing expectations on myself and my unborn baby boy, trying to command my body to do something it is clearly not ready to do. Good luck with that. My OB actually told me that AVERAGE is to go 4 days past due date...so if that is true why do I make my own definition of average?

My super generous and thoughtful sister in law gave me an incredible gift today of watching Gracie so I could have some alone time to do whatever I wanted to before little guy enters the world. I was trying to decide...should I clean the house? Organize? Sleep (yeah right, thank you sciatic nerve)? Go to a coffee shop? I asked myself "What is something you won't be able to do for a while and really enjoy doing?". Going to a coffee shop and sitting there, uninterrupted for a couple beautiful hours. So that's where I am at as I write this...collecting my thoughts and listening to music. Seth told me he had some verses to send with me for me to meditate on concerning preparing for labor and delivery. So I set up my computer and ordered my coffee and settled in to read them.

Wow, were they just what I needed. I needed to take a deep breath and just let God refocus my thinking and  perspective. To step back and to just rest in the fact that this is really out of my control and is in God's. That He doesn't desire me to be miserable in my thinking and the mental trap I put myself in, but wants me to realize that He gives perfect peace, His grace is sufficient, that He goes before me, that He is with me, that He loves me lavishly and has a plan for this birth to bring Him glory and me good- whether or not that is in alignment with how I think it should it go.

We've got our birth plan, our doula, our bags packed (basically), our plan for where Gracie goes, etc. We are ready, so so ready. Now to practice waiting and not wishing this time away.

Honestly, I am just *slightly* anxious at the same time. As "ready" as I am, I know the risk of going for vbac instead of repeat c-section, especially if I go overdue. I am trying to make my heart be okay whatever the outcome, but I am afraid of major disappointment if I have to have another c-section. As crazy as may sound, I just want to have this baby naturally (ask me while I'm laboring and I'll most likely tell you something else). I have to lay this down and trust. Keep trusting.

So here's to enjoying a day out and one more date night with my hubby. Here's to believing that God is so good and His grace is so sufficient in my weakness of thought, strength and attitude. For this moment, at least, I'm practicing resting in that (in an hour when I have a hormonal emotional swing, I am going to need some redirecting again :)).


Here is my set up for a couple beautiful hours today:

 Here I am at 39 weeks and 1 day (yes at this point, that 1 day matters). I look huge-er in real life, and feel even huge-er than that :).

Gracie LOVES babies. I mean like turns into an ecstatic child when she sees one and exclaims on the top of her little lungs "BABY!".  I hope this love for babies continues once we have a newborn that cries and eats a lot and takes mommy's attention. However, currently it is precious...I doubt she really understands what is about to happen but she will come and give my belly kisses. She will run up to my belly and say "Oh Baby!" and pat it. And probably my most favorite is she attempts to tickle my belly and says "I get you!".)

Here is a picture of Gracie on Halloween:

Happy Friday!!