He is there, even there.

I sat there at our Heaven to Earth worship and prayer night for Deeper Still last night.

I felt weak but also sustained. We started to sing one of my favorite worship songs- “It is Well” by Bethel music.

And something grabbed my heart.

The line says this: The waves and wind still know His name.

I just told a friend this week that the waves I’m facing and experiencing right now are so hard and so so confusing and I feel like they are going to overtake me at times. I told her I don’t know how to navigate these waters.

And in that moment last night I realized something. God isn’t absent in the waves. The waves and wind and storms- they know God. They aren’t meant to shipwreck us. They are meant to throw us on our knees and fall onto Jesus.

The waves and wind still know His name.

I think I often think of the waves in life or circumstances as the “I-can’t-do-this” kind of moments. Instead of the “God-is-right-here-and-never-leaves-me."

I imagine being in the middle of the sea, at night, dark and alone in a little fisherman boat. The waves are big, the wind is strong. My natural inclination? PANIC. I mean, hello- what ability do I possibly have to survive something with such tremendous strength?

None.

If I hold onto the boat until my knuckles are white and beg the storm to stop, it’s not going to help. I usually think it will because I am trying to control the storm. But I can’t.

I never could and never will.

God isn’t absent in the storm. He promises to never leave and never forsake us, not for a moment.

I sing this song all the time to my 2 year old who, whenever she hears thunder says, “My don’t like that thunder”…. I sing... “God’s in charge of the weather”. I make her sing it with me while we do a silly dance to try to diffuse the rumbling in the background.

Okay. So if she is 2 and I want her to believe God is in charge, what do I do about my storms?

Then I am to trust God is in charge of these too.

And He is not only not absent in the storm but rather ever present and close and He is the one navigating me through it.

God didn't make it possible for me to navigate a storm by myself. He created the waves so I would learn dependence on Him.

Since this is true, I can find peace in the midst of the raging waters. I can find joy in the midst of pain and I can find rest in the middle of chaos.

And this can be true every time.

“Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You, through it all, through it all, it is well”.

 

(Song: "It is Well" by Bethel Music)

exhaustion isn't always a bad thing.

I am exhausted. I go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted.

We are in a sweet and awesome phase of life but also a super challenging and demanding and hard phase, too.

First of all, raising kids is no joke.

Secondly, I’m sure those who have older kids or more kids could look at us and say things like “just wait, if you think you’re busy now…” or “it’s just a season, wait until they are teenagers”…and both of those most likely hold a lot of truth.

But this is the season we are walking right now, so it’s the one God is giving us grace for. We aren’t at the other ones…yet.

Last night we put the kids to bed and planned to do a few things together. But like other nights, our “plans” were thwarted by our two year old. I sat on the living room floor, feeling defeated and frustrated- tears mixing with mascara and creating a black streak on my cheek. “Why won’t she just stop crying?” “I feel like we have tried everything.” “Why does it feel like she has so much control over us?”

I often tell Seth that I’m thankful we are a team in this parenting thing. Last night, he was the strong player. Going up and down the stairs, being consistent in his discipline with the focus on something greater than the change in her behavior.

Finally after she surrendered to sleep, we sat down to talk. He reminded me of a couple things. 1. Our purpose as her parents is not to change her behavior, it is to help shape her heart so that she learns to glorify God. 2. Maybe the reason I am struggling so much, is because I have some idol in my heart that is grinding with the idols in her heart.

Ouch. Who wants to admit that? Wouldn’t it be easier to blame my feelings and reactions on her whininess?

The Truth is, my issues are because of my passions at war within my own heart- ie. My idols. 

(James 4:1-2).

I woke up this morning, just feeling weary from my sins and her sins from last night. I brewed my coffee, tiptoed to the chair and held my breath that neither kid would wake up and I’d get some quiet time…and was met with this:

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

1. Ang, don’t lose heart. Yes, it’s HARD but it is also so purposeful and so awesome.

2. I feel old some days. I feel my outer self aging (I know you’re going to laugh at me, mom and dad!)- gray hairs, stretch marks, bags under my eyes- that’s my outer self. It is fading day by day. But then I have this inner self. And it is constantly being reNEWED- constantly made new. Refreshed. Recalibrated. God is the one who does this renewing of my inner heart- it’s not something of my own effort. I need to abide in Him and He does this renewing.

3. This truly truly truly is a light, momentary “affliction”. I know that. And God is using these sweet kiddos to refine and shape our hearts in this “affliction”

4.  Trust that God is using all of this for His glory and for an eternal purpose.

Recalibration. That is what I needed. To get my focus off of the waves and on His face.

To be reminded to not lose heart. To be reminded that this is my job right now- to shepherd these precious hearts. To sacrifice my comforts and my wants of a comfortable & easy life for the life that is completely dependent on God’s grace and strength, not mine.

I have been “reading”, as in a few pages every few weeks, in a book called Mom Enough: A Fearless Mother’s Heart and Hope. I would recommend it. It’s been a good kick in the behind as a mom, but in a graceful way. I have underlines marked all through it, with things like “Ugh! Conviciting!” written in the margins.  And it helps to hear these things from other moms, who get that this is motherhood/parenting thing is a hard calling.

“Lay yourself down. Sacrifice yourself here, now. Cheerfully wipe the nose for the fifteenth time today. Make dinner again for the people who don’t like green beans. Laugh when a vomiting child thwarts your plans. Lay yourself down for the people here with you, the people who annoy you, the people who get in your way, the people who take up so much of your time that you can’t read anymore. Rejoice in them. Sacrifice for them. Gain that which you cannot lose in them. It is easy to think you have a heart for the orphans on the other side of the world, but to resent the demands of the children in your living room. You cannot have a heart for the gospel and fussiness about your life at the same time.”

And this one…

“When difficult moments appear, belief is not enough. You must apply what you believe…Rest in God, and your children will learn to rest in God. Extend God’s kindness to you, to them. Forgive them the way God forgave you. You have everything you need to spiritually nourish your children, because you have Christ…He wants to see us feeding our children with the grace that He has given to us.”

We are in a demanding season, no doubt. We are being called to pour everything we have into shepherding and raising these kids to be warriors for God. We need to be diligent to display Christ in our own actions, not just our words. 

 In all reality then, we should go to bed exhausted. Fighting the good fight- well, it’s a fight. A fight of my flesh and a fight of the enemy.

So here’s to another day of getting to be the mama of these kiddos. To recognize the incredible responsibility and privilege it is to raise them. And to remember His mercies are new each morning.

It's "go" time. Come deeper...

Every time I try to blog lately I get a few sentences out and then my brain freezes up. It’s not due to a lack of things to say or a fear of writing them, it’s that there’s too much I want to say that I can’t focus on a single thing well enough to write coherently on it. That and I don’t have enough time to proof-read right now and so there may be some uncertainty about what I just wrote making any sense at all. Kind of like what I am doing right now.

I will pick one thing to write on tonight, though. It’s burning on my heart.

So I am sitting at a coffee shop right now. For the second time today. Somebody pinch me…this just DOESN’T happen in our season of life right now.

My gracious hubby pushed me out the door while he takes care of our sewer water issues, prepares our house for our appraisal and oh yeah, takes care of our kiddos.

Why would he do such a crazy thing?

Because it is “go” time.

We are less than two weeks out from our 3^rd Deeper still retreat (you can read more about it in a previous post, a little bit more in depth). Deeper Still is a retreat for those who have been wounded by the pain of abortion. Those men and women who are aching for healing and freedom. It’s for any level of healing- from those who haven’t told anyone, ever, that they’ve had an abortion to those who have done extensive work in their healing journey. God will take you deeper, no matter where you’re at. He just does.

Along with abortion comes shame, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, regret, guilt, remorse, and many other things.

If this is you- we WANT you there. You will be welcomed with joy, un-judged, loved, safe and will have the opportunity to meet face to face with your Savior and see how dearly and lavishly He loves you. Yes, YOU.

Our loving God wants to FREE men and women from these chains that they carry with them.You can trust Him.

I don’t personally know the pain of abortion but OH, do I know the pain of carrying chains everywhere I go. And, oh, do I know shame, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, regret, guilt, remorse. And by His incredible grace and love, He is washing me daily on this journey to freedom in Him. Y’all, I’m on my own freedom journey, too.

The dates are April 10-12.

There’s no better time.

"Come away with Me [Jesus]. It's going to be to be wild, it's going to be great, it's going to be full of Me [Jesus]". 

What's in a name? Logan Anthony...

Logan Anthony Braker, you have come into our lives with an overwhelmingly sweet and strong presence. Little man, we are taken by you- your coos, your squirms, your sleepy smiles, your unbelievably kissable cheeks. We are challenged by your growth spurts, your gas/pain troubles, your clogged tear duct and honestly just re-adjusting to newborn life.

We call you our little man since you came into the world at a bustling 10lbs 4 oz, though the nurses say you were probably more like 10lbs 6oz before your first bowel movement. You held your head up the moment they placed you on me and looked right at us. You proved to us you were born with strength, which a little warrior needs.

Which leads me to your name. Logan. It means tender warrior. You won’t find meaning in any name book or google search. We picked it just for you.

For pretty much my entire pregnancy we went back and forth on names, liking the meaning of some and the sound of others. We never really could agree or land on one that fit everything we wanted. The meaning of a name is important to us, especially your dad. He wanted a name for his son that had meaning and instilled purpose as you grew up. All along we have been praying a couple things for you- that you would be tender: full of humility and compassion for others- that you would be full of genuine love that can relate and care and listen and help. And also that you would be a warrior: brave, courageous, full of integrity, not afraid to do what is right even when no one is looking. To be a man of God.

Your name was also inspired by my Grandpa Kieser (your grammie's dad), a man who I've never met. His name was Ludwig, but he was mostly called Louie. He left a legacy of faith that was passed down to us and now to you. He was a man that wept when he read the Bible and when he prayed. He had a relationship with Jesus that was real and deep and humble and it defined who he was.

We couldn’t find a name that we both liked and that had the meaning that we wanted. We were given free-ing advice by someone much wiser than us who told us that we can choose the meaning of your name; we aren't bound by some definition made up by someone else. We felt so free after that to choose a name. We wanted a strong and sturdy name and all along we liked Logan but it wasn't until I was about 39 weeks pregnant that we decided on it.

Anthony. Your middle name. Oh sweet boy, as soon as we knew you were a boy we knew your middle name and there was no debate about it. You’re named after your uncle, Anthony “Tony” Weber. A man who loved life more than I’ve ever seen in anyone else. A man who didn’t let fear dictate his life. He took risks and didn’t fear failure. A man who exuded passion. A man who cared and loved so deeply. He is one of my heroes in this life. He only lived 22 years but he lived those 22 years more fully than some people live 100 years. Logy, it gives us such deep joy to name you after such an awesome guy (but as your momma, I’d be okay if you weren’t AS much of a risk taker as your uncle Tony  ;)).

Your sister? Oh my. I NEVER would’ve guessed how she would be completely taken over by you. You are her favorite thing. You are the first thing she says when she wakes up and the constant focus of her attention throughout the day. She is concerned when you don’t have socks or a hat on. She brings you “burp wraps” (as she calls them). She tries to feed you goldfish. She pushes you (rather hard) in your swing. She gets wipes and a diaper when you need changed. She constantly tickles you and imitates adults when they get that baby voice. She says “I get you” as she tickles your toes and tummy. She probably gives you over 100 kisses each day. She is very concerned about you having your passy. If we leave or even speak of leaving the house she instantly says “Baby Logy come”…it’s not a question but rather a demand. She reads to you and lies next to you just to hang out. She has tried nursing her own baby doll just so she can be a mommy too (I figured the day would come). I pray your relationship continues to grow into something strong and close as you brave this world together.

You’re our little man, Logy bear (thanks Uncle Chad, Gracie likes that one a lot), Logy, sweet boy and Logan Berry (a yogurt shop in Little Rock, sorry it just has stuck). These are just a few of the many nicknames you’ll unavoidably be given. Sorry- welcome to our family, we don’t know how not to nickname.

We gratefully and so joyfully welcome you into this world and into our little family, Logy. Each day my heart grows with more love for you. I guess a mommy’s heart doesn’t know boundaries when it comes to loving her children.

Below are some pictures from photoshoots from the first 5 weeks of your life. We have lots of impromptu photoshoots when the sun is shining and you are in a good mood...sorry, you'll have to get used to a camera in your face.

Logan's birth announcement

First Sunday going to church!

happy due date to me!

Today is November 13, 2014. 

It is snowing.

It is my due date. And yep, I'm still pregnant. 

Thank you kind lady at the gym yesterday who proceeded to tell me at least 5 times that baby has DEFINITELY not dropped yet so I still probably have a while. Thank you. 

It is also the day that a precious couple, whom I don't know personally but found their blog yesterday (https://vaporandmist.wordpress.com/about), will have a c-section to deliver their 2nd baby who has been diagnosed with acrania (where the skull does not form) (after their first baby passed away after 10 precious hours of life from anencephaly). They are hoping so fiercely in God for her healing and life- however long that may be on this earth, but more than that they are consumed with God's glory in it all. Seth was getting home late last night from work and I saw down to read their blog and just cried. Through it all, the doubts, the emotions, the fears, the questions, the faith-shattering moments- they have kept their eyes on Jesus and trust His plan in their sweet family. 

To be honest with you, I've been in a slump this week- battling discouragement so much and a constant fountain of tears. Thanks to those who have been praying and encouraging me- you have no idea how much it means to have you hold up my hands.

When I stand back and look at this in the big picture- compared to other people's struggles and what they have to go through- it pales...I mean I have been so blessed to be pregnant and have had a perfectly normal pregnancy and nothing is wrong. So what is the big deal?

I've been paralyzed with fear. I am not afraid of being pregnant longer- after 9 months, what is 2 more weeks (though it does feel like an eternity at this point)? I am so so so afraid of another birth like Gracie's. The thought of it freezes me up with anxiety and numbness. I've been holding on to fear like a comfort blanket. It's not the first time I've done this. When something traumatizing happens to me, my go-to is to grasp fear until my knuckles are white so I feel "safe". In my mind, if I fear it, then it won't surprise me again and will at least hurt a little bit less than being caught off guard so badly. I don't realize I am doing this until I break. 

Last night, after a delicious dinner of frozen pizza and canned soup (call me Betty), Seth and I were talking about this labor. I sat on my birthing ball in the living room (like a good girl trying to promote an open and relaxed pelvis :)) and just bawled. We talked about placing our hope in God and trusting Him. I told him how insanely afraid I was and how I felt like God was going to withhold this good desire because I want it so bad and am probably making it too much of an idol or desiring it too much and by holding onto fear so tightly at least I could be a little bit ready to handle the disappointment again. That's another thing I naturally go to in my thinking- instead of seeing God as the God the Bible describes- I sometimes see Him as strict, ungracious and controlling. 

He's not those things. We have been learning and re-learning this lesson and last night Seth cupped my tear-stained face in his hands and reminded me: to speak Truth over myself and to command my heart to obey what the Bible says even if my feelings are in a completely different field. 

So I type this truth regardless of my conflicted and fear-tending heart: God is sovereign, He is loving, gracious, kind, compassionate, merciful, holy, just, patient, faithful, forgiving, perfect. He lavishes love. He sent Jesus, His only son, to die for me. Since these things are true about God, I can be okay and God is good. No matter what. Because really, in the end, it's not about me and what I want, it is about God getting glory. 

I have no idea how and when this little guy is going to come into the world. I do know that whether via vbac or c-section, he will come in the next couple weeks. Two weeks from today is thanksgiving. Though I'd prefer to go before then (please God!!) I guess that would be a mighty big thing to give thanks for :). 

If you've read my blog much, you know me and my songs. When I find one that ministers to where I am at, I play it on repeat. Well don't worry, this time is no exception. The song this time is "It is well" by Bethel Music. It talks about my eyes being on God through it all and that it being well with me. Here are the lyrics and the youtube link .(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txg5nOIZYO8) 

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul 

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You Lord
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Redefining acceptable for myself...(but seriously baby boy you can come anytime)...

Well the count down is on. 6 days to be exact. That is until my due date- November 13th. I thought I would have had him by now. By this point with Gracie, she was almost 3 1/2 weeks old. I am getting so antsy. I feel so overdue because she came so early, I've never been this pregnant. And baby boy is quite content in there- not really showing any signs of impending birth. I am having a hard time being patient.

I think I've placed an expectation on myself to "go" early. My self-imposed perception of society is that to have an acceptable birth I need to go early....that making it to my due date is like saying "you failed" and going overdue is just really bad. I realize this sounds ridiculous to probably most readers, I'll admit, I have ridiculous and irrational thoughts. I mean I'm a nurse, I teach childbirth ed. I know that facts about brain development being the best in a full term infant, etc.

I liken it to how society says that in order for a woman to be beautiful she must be thin. It's such a lie, ridiculous and a prison we put ourselves in. I'm doing the same thing with childbirth. I've been looking at my due date as an approaching day that will just label me as a failure because I haven't had my baby by then. I've been the queen of placing expectations on myself and my unborn baby boy, trying to command my body to do something it is clearly not ready to do. Good luck with that. My OB actually told me that AVERAGE is to go 4 days past due date...so if that is true why do I make my own definition of average?

My super generous and thoughtful sister in law gave me an incredible gift today of watching Gracie so I could have some alone time to do whatever I wanted to before little guy enters the world. I was trying to decide...should I clean the house? Organize? Sleep (yeah right, thank you sciatic nerve)? Go to a coffee shop? I asked myself "What is something you won't be able to do for a while and really enjoy doing?". Going to a coffee shop and sitting there, uninterrupted for a couple beautiful hours. So that's where I am at as I write this...collecting my thoughts and listening to music. Seth told me he had some verses to send with me for me to meditate on concerning preparing for labor and delivery. So I set up my computer and ordered my coffee and settled in to read them.

Wow, were they just what I needed. I needed to take a deep breath and just let God refocus my thinking and  perspective. To step back and to just rest in the fact that this is really out of my control and is in God's. That He doesn't desire me to be miserable in my thinking and the mental trap I put myself in, but wants me to realize that He gives perfect peace, His grace is sufficient, that He goes before me, that He is with me, that He loves me lavishly and has a plan for this birth to bring Him glory and me good- whether or not that is in alignment with how I think it should it go.

We've got our birth plan, our doula, our bags packed (basically), our plan for where Gracie goes, etc. We are ready, so so ready. Now to practice waiting and not wishing this time away.

Honestly, I am just *slightly* anxious at the same time. As "ready" as I am, I know the risk of going for vbac instead of repeat c-section, especially if I go overdue. I am trying to make my heart be okay whatever the outcome, but I am afraid of major disappointment if I have to have another c-section. As crazy as may sound, I just want to have this baby naturally (ask me while I'm laboring and I'll most likely tell you something else). I have to lay this down and trust. Keep trusting.

So here's to enjoying a day out and one more date night with my hubby. Here's to believing that God is so good and His grace is so sufficient in my weakness of thought, strength and attitude. For this moment, at least, I'm practicing resting in that (in an hour when I have a hormonal emotional swing, I am going to need some redirecting again :)).


Here is my set up for a couple beautiful hours today:

 Here I am at 39 weeks and 1 day (yes at this point, that 1 day matters). I look huge-er in real life, and feel even huge-er than that :).

Gracie LOVES babies. I mean like turns into an ecstatic child when she sees one and exclaims on the top of her little lungs "BABY!".  I hope this love for babies continues once we have a newborn that cries and eats a lot and takes mommy's attention. However, currently it is precious...I doubt she really understands what is about to happen but she will come and give my belly kisses. She will run up to my belly and say "Oh Baby!" and pat it. And probably my most favorite is she attempts to tickle my belly and says "I get you!".)

Here is a picture of Gracie on Halloween:

Happy Friday!!

Deeper Still.

I’ve been putting off this post for awhile. Not because I don’t want to write about it but because I find myself having a hard time putting it into words. It’s actually been in the works for almost 6 months now.

When we moved back to Illinois I was able to go back and volunteer as a nurse at the pregnancy center. I love that place and those people. It is definitely a highlight of my week to be there. Anyways, I was introduced to Judy, who was new since I had left a couple years before to go to Little Rock. From first introduction, I really liked her. She started to tell me about an abortion ministry that they were starting up called Deeper Still. Her and the nurse manager, Margie, were telling me about it and then asked me to pray about being a part of the team. At first, I was just excited to be asked and then I was hesitant to what I could offer. So I prayed about it and felt like God wanted me to say yes, so without fully understanding how I would be able to help or what I could offer, I told them I was onboard and excited.

I was given a training manual to go through to help me understand what Deeper Still was and to be trained in what happens at a retreat. I cannot even express how good this manual is. I was supposed to be reading it so I could be a leader but felt like God was teaching me so much through every session. He was beginning a refining in my heart that so needed to be done.

We had team meetings and continually saw God provide for our needs or answer our unknowns as we pioneered on. If all that I was able to do was to just sit in on these meetings and nothing else, I would have been immeasurably blessed and changed. These women and one man have blazing hearts for the Lord and are so intentional to bring Him glory. I love being in community with them.

So one day I get a phone call from Judy and she asks me if I would pray about doing the strongholds/soulties session of the retreat….GULP. PAUSE. Me? Lead that session?! Does she really know who she is asking, like she might regret this. I told her I would pray about it while I was in 

Texas that next week and then get back to her.

When I was in Texas I so vividly remember sitting in the kitchen with my sister in law. She was chopping vegetables for dinner and I cupped my coffee in my hands. I told her about Deeper Still and then I told her what Judy had asked me followed quickly by “But there’s no way I am going to say yes, I am too much of a mess myself to get up there and teach others about stuff that I am working through myself”. I’ll never forget what she said, she stopped what she was doing, looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said “That is exactly why you have to say yes. You get up there and tell them you are in this with them and that you don’t have it figured out yet, be vulnerable and transparent- that is the most powerful thing, you have a story to share!”.

Later that day her and I were sitting down reading during the girl’s nap time and I got to a question in the book I was reading that asked “What are you passionate about and what would you tell the world about if you knew they would listen?” Without hesitation I wrote, I am passionate about justice and freedom from strongholds. Then God was like, AHEM!, go back and read what you just wrote you are passionate about…isn’t that the very thing you were asked to speak about at the retreat?  

I still wrestled with it because I doubted that I could do it well and wanted to do it well for the participants at this retreat. I didn’t want them to get shortchanged by some amateur who was still in the woods herself. I asked God to direct me to something in His word to confirm for me this was what He wanted. He led me to Isaiah 42.

“I am the Lord; I have called you^[b] in righteousness;
  I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
    a light for the nations,
⁷     to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
    from the prison those who sit in darkness.
⁸ I am the Lord; that is my name;
    my glory I give to no other,
    nor my praise to carved idols.
⁹ Behold, the former things have come to pass,
    and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
    I tell you of them.”

To open the eyes of the blind. To bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, those who sit in darkness. That is what it is like to be controlled by strongholds- to be blind to freedom and a prisoner, to sit in darkness. Scared, alone, stuck. To make something else an idol other than God.

God continued to lead me to saying yes to Judy. I was nervous but a building passion was awakening in me and I couldn’t deny His voice. I told Seth that I just really wanted to tell Judy my story, my past, before completely committing, just so she knew everything. I sat down with her one afternoon and told her I felt like God was telling me to say yes but that I wanted to tell her my story. To what I thought might be a roadblock, I was met with the most compassionate embrace and encouragement over me.

So we were a couple months out from the retreat and hitting planning mode in full swing. The more that we gathered together as a team to share our stories or pray or plan the more God was deeply knitting our hearts together. I LOVE this group so much and have told Seth over and over again what incredible, unlikely community they are to me.

Finally we are at the week of the retreat and getting all of our last minute details together. It was a CRAZY couple of weeks before that. Gracie and I had just moved into our house about 2 weeks prior that Seth had been pretty much living in, working like crazy. Plus I was very newly pregnant and starting the debilitating all-day-morning-sickness-fun. I was pretty nervous I would feel too sick the whole retreat but enter in Zofran, a nauseated pregnant momma’s bff.

We each had prayer warriors we had asked to pray for us every day and outside of that we had watchman on the wall praying around the clock surrounding the retreat and during. We knew the enemy would attempt many roadblocks but we also knew God is bigger.

Finally the day arrived that all of us staff members were to arrive at camp to beautify and make it feel cozy and welcoming.  I had a few last minute things to pack and then the plan was for me my mom to get there around lunch time to watch Gracie so I could head out. I woke up to an obnoxious and irritating beeping that wouldn’t stop. I had no idea where it was coming from (keep in mind we just moved in 2 weeks prior, I’m still learning the place!). I picked up my phone to call Seth and he told me to look in the basement. I opened the door and screamed. We had growing water everywhere and our smoke detector was floating in it- hence the obnoxious beeping (thankfully). We still had so many boxes, photos, books, and tubs we had stored down there to slowly unpack. I threw on my rain boots (thank you Arkansas for persuading me to buy rain boots) and grabbed as many frames and items that I could. Thankfully, Seth came home and we had family rush over to haul all of our things back upstairs to try to save as much as possible. Miraculously, only a few books were ruined. I ended up leaving much later than I planned and exhausted. I remember crying on my way to camp feeling so defeated that I was already so drained of energy and was running so behind.

The moment I pull up I’m greeted with hugs and help and am told to just jump right in. God covered my exhaustion and my sickness as I realized I forgot to even take my zofran (seriously, my miracle pill at the time). The place looked amazing- quilts on every bed, flowers and couches and comfy chairs we hauled from our homes in a couple trailers. Verses everywhere you looked- on doors, mirrors, in the kitchen, etc. We wanted Jesus to be so obvious and so felt when they walked in those doors.

Thursday night was team night. We prayer marched around the whole camp, inside and out. Praying down any evil thing and inviting the Spirit to reign freely. We worshiped and had a time of feet washing and encouragement. We ate together and prepared for the next day. It was incredibly unifying and honestly an incredible blessing.

Friday morning we woke up and ate breakfast and finished any last minute preparations before our participants came. We were so excited to meet them and welcome them.

That afternoon they began to come, one by one. Beautiful women, scarred by wounds of their past. Women just waiting to be freed and told they are forgiven and beautiful. Ready to work hard and go deep. Some with hearts guarded- not sure what the weekend would hold or what it would be like. Or would they sleep well? Or was it a mistake they came? Or would they connect with anyone? Or would they leave feeling the same? Or maybe they didn’t deserve to be free?- all of these and SO many other doubts, thoughts, fears swarming through their precious minds. But in great courage and strength of God, they arrived.

That night we broke into groups and shared our stories, all of us. As one team member put it- “I may not be abortion wounded, but I am something else wounded”. We can all share something not so pretty, something we’ve struggled with shame/etc. with. I was amazed at how quickly these ladies jumped into their stories and how deeply they went. We cried & shared together and then prayed over them for sweet sleep.

Saturday was a hard day. They had to work really hard this day. We call it spiritual legal work. Working through unforgiveness, hurts, pains, regrets, sins, strongholds, the Gospel and the love of Christ. There is A LOT that happens this day and by the end of it you’d think everyone would be completely and utterly exhausted- which is true. But at the end of the night God brings renewed energy and we broke into worship. And I mean WORSHIP like I personally had never experience before. Unbound, completely free, intense, beautiful, healing, sweet worship. I had a hard time explaining it to Seth except to say that I think I got a glimpse of what Heaven is going to be like one day. Women who had come merely 24 hours earlier, bound and imprisoned by their wounds were dancing and crying and shouting “I am free!!”, unabandoned, embracing forgiveness, and free for the first time ever.

Sunday was an incredible day as well. The last day of the retreat. We had a memorial service this day- a chance for the women to memorialize their children in a way they never were able to before. To honor them and cry over them and mourn them but also to celebrate that they are in the arms of Jesus. What an important and significant thing for them. Without going into details about it, it was a truly breathtaking and beautiful ceremony of healing and restoration.

What. A. Weekend. There is SO much more I could say. I am so thankful to be a part of this. It has changed me.

Our second retreat is actually this next week- the 23-25^th of October 2014. If you or anyone you know has been wounded by an abortion, please know we would so love to have you join us. It’s not too late. And if you can’t make it this time, there will be one in the spring. God is calling you to healing and a breaking out from the shame and darkness and the secrets that have possibly been in control for too long. Go deeper still with us, you are SO welcomed here!

our pinterest fail maternity photo shoot :)

So I am at that point in my pregnancy where certain things become suddenly urgent. By urgency I mean like when I have an idea it has to be done NOW otherwise I might cry. Okay it's not always that bad, but sometimes it is...anyways I have a super gracious husband who, to the best of his ability, tries to accommodate these ideas/needs/wants/whatever they are. Today I decided to hang some pictures and didn't want to wait for Seth to get home to do it correctly (the things I have learned about hanging photos since being married to this guy!). Some of the frames didn't have hooks to hang them with so I had to get creative because I didn't want to run to the store to get proper photo hangers so I went to my craft shelf and found a safety pin and some tacky glue and applied to the back. The result- epic fail...but Seth gave me points for creativity. 

This weekend it was pictures. I have this incredible love for photos and making sure we capture seasons of life. We are planning to get maternity photos taken by a dear friend but in case I go early or we don't make that happen I wanted a few pictures with Gracie to capture this season. In his spare time my handy-house-remodeling husband also is a photographer on the side, didn't you know? :)

I had pulled up pinterest and had these PERFECT poses in mind where Gracie would PERFECTLY cooperate and my hair would look perfect and the weather would be perfect and it would just be...perfect. haha.

We decided to try before church on Sunday. It was cold, really chilly actually. It was super cloudy, we forgot our chair to use as a prop, Gracie started bawling right away and wanted nothing to do with the photo-shoot, we couldn't get her paci away from her....it was a pinterest fail by definition for sure but it was real life and I love that. Combined with a few pictures we took after church I think we managed some really awesome pictures to capture this pregnancy and to show the true personality of my spunky, sweet Gracie Mae. 

Here are a few that I edited, Enjoy!

Blowing bubbles

To me it looks like she is listening to a "secret" from little brother :)

I just love this sweet girl so much.

Her expression says it all about how she feels about this photo-shoot idea

One of my favorites- it looks like she is yelling at her little brother already!

I LOVE this. "Don't worry guys, I'll teach him all I know"- said by an ornery 22 month old.

Belly Picture!! :)

I love love this. Just a mommy daughter moment.

typical. :)

So I asked for a kiss and went in for it. What I got was a slobbery wet one. :)


I love the story these pictures tell...the spunky-ness, the sweet moments, the anticipation, the season we are in and the one we are about to enter into.