Awhile ago I wrote a post on feeling like I am a sojourner. I went back and read it and it was a good reminder for me in the midst of this ongoing transition period. To be reminded to have a heart that is full of unquestioning obedience to God. To be willing to go where He leads and be okay not knowing why, or, even more than that- maybe to never see why.
Truthfully, it’s hard to write an honest post about how I’m feeling in fears of offending someone. It’s difficult for me to spill my heart on the world wide web and think that I might be met with judgment or criticism. Sometimes it makes my heart cringe to be so openly vulnerable. But I need to and I can’t not.
When we left Little Rock I was heartbroken but confident that God would provide all our needs- like a house, a new car, community, etc. And I was confidently thinking that He would do it ASAP. I was fine waiting a week, even two if necessary, but I thought, “Surely if He is calling us away from something so good and something we love so much then He will quickly bring these provisions.”
And it’s not that He hasn’t…He has provided for us 100% completely. We’ve lacked nothing. It’s just not in the way I had hoped for/expected.
I’ve laid out our needs morning after morning to God and have asked Him to miraculously provide. To show up in a way that brings Him glory and to provide for our needs. We need a new vehicle. We need a home. We need community. We need doctors and dentists and hair stylists. Etcetera. So I surrender to Him and trust Him and expectantly wait that day for a miracle (along with relentlessly researching). And since we are on a budget we know it will take a miracle to get the kind of vehicle we would like and a house we love. So we pray and get excited knowing that God is able and wanting Him to get the credit. And day after day passes and we are still in the same boat.
I’ve been looking at my heart lately and wondering why I get so frustrated that we can’t afford these things that we want. My flesh is telling me we deserve them. I mean God took us from something so good and on top of that we were serving HIM. Ha! Maybe that is part of the problem. How easy it is to slip into the mindset of entitlement. It’s been a roller-coaster of emotions like “we should be ‘entitled’ to this” juxtaposed with “I am so grateful we have a roof over our heads”.
So I read this morning about dying to self. And it struck me. I read this quote “We leave a growing area of ministry at His command- then He provides one better than we had ever dreamed. We surrender all our cherished hopes and die to self- then He sends overflowing joy and His ‘life…that [we] might have it more abundantly.”
God’s ways are above mine. His timing is out of my understanding. He plans don’t make sense to me. But that’s okay. Because as long as I keep coming back to Him He provides for my every need. I don’t need to worry about what I think we need or deserve. God is clearly able to take care of those things and as I look back, I can see that He always has.
We have had a couple of disappointments. We put an offer in on a house last week and after a few counteroffers it wasn’t accepted. That was hard. It wasn’t so much that I felt horribly distraught about THAT house it was that I so badly wanted a home. So I cried, hard. We talked about it and came to the conclusion that God must have something else out there even better (typical coping mechanism, right?). And as I type this we are saying yes to renting. It’s not what I had hoped for- I had hoped for a place of our own, our first house. We’ve dreamed of projects, etc we would do one day to our home. But this rental is a miracle in itself. It’s within our budget (because of generosity), it has a garage and a basement (which we prayed for specifically), and three bedrooms (which we had realllly wanted). It’s exactly what we need right now. And it’s for a reason.
I’m still not to the point where I can say I’m so happy and excited and even thankful for all of these changes. I will get there. Eventually. I will because there is so much good and so much to be excited about and so much to be thankful for- if I choose to live looking through His eyes, not mine.
I love this quote by F.B. Meyer, “Indeed, there is nothing God will not do for those who will dare to step out in faith onto what appears to be only a mist. As they take their first step, they will find a rock beneath their feet.”
here are some random pictures of life lately:
7 months old!
4th of July
Us with Mr & Mrs Raad!!
happy tuesday to y'all!