Today is November 13, 2014.
It is my due date. And yep, I'm still pregnant.
Thank you kind lady at the gym yesterday who proceeded to tell me at least 5 times that baby has DEFINITELY not dropped yet so I still probably have a while. Thank you.
It is also the day that a precious couple, whom I don't know personally but found their blog yesterday (https://vaporandmist.wordpress.com/about), will have a c-section to deliver their 2nd baby who has been diagnosed with acrania (where the skull does not form) (after their first baby passed away after 10 precious hours of life from anencephaly). They are hoping so fiercely in God for her healing and life- however long that may be on this earth, but more than that they are consumed with God's glory in it all. Seth was getting home late last night from work and I saw down to read their blog and just cried. Through it all, the doubts, the emotions, the fears, the questions, the faith-shattering moments- they have kept their eyes on Jesus and trust His plan in their sweet family.
To be honest with you, I've been in a slump this week- battling discouragement so much and a constant fountain of tears. Thanks to those who have been praying and encouraging me- you have no idea how much it means to have you hold up my hands.
When I stand back and look at this in the big picture- compared to other people's struggles and what they have to go through- it pales...I mean I have been so blessed to be pregnant and have had a perfectly normal pregnancy and nothing is wrong. So what is the big deal?
I've been paralyzed with fear. I am not afraid of being pregnant longer- after 9 months, what is 2 more weeks (though it does feel like an eternity at this point)? I am so so so afraid of another birth like Gracie's. The thought of it freezes me up with anxiety and numbness. I've been holding on to fear like a comfort blanket. It's not the first time I've done this. When something traumatizing happens to me, my go-to is to grasp fear until my knuckles are white so I feel "safe". In my mind, if I fear it, then it won't surprise me again and will at least hurt a little bit less than being caught off guard so badly. I don't realize I am doing this until I break.
Last night, after a delicious dinner of frozen pizza and canned soup (call me Betty), Seth and I were talking about this labor. I sat on my birthing ball in the living room (like a good girl trying to promote an open and relaxed pelvis :)) and just bawled. We talked about placing our hope in God and trusting Him. I told him how insanely afraid I was and how I felt like God was going to withhold this good desire because I want it so bad and am probably making it too much of an idol or desiring it too much and by holding onto fear so tightly at least I could be a little bit ready to handle the disappointment again. That's another thing I naturally go to in my thinking- instead of seeing God as the God the Bible describes- I sometimes see Him as strict, ungracious and controlling.
He's not those things. We have been learning and re-learning this lesson and last night Seth cupped my tear-stained face in his hands and reminded me: to speak Truth over myself and to command my heart to obey what the Bible says even if my feelings are in a completely different field.
So I type this truth regardless of my conflicted and fear-tending heart: God is sovereign, He is loving, gracious, kind, compassionate, merciful, holy, just, patient, faithful, forgiving, perfect. He lavishes love. He sent Jesus, His only son, to die for me. Since these things are true about God, I can be okay and God is good. No matter what. Because really, in the end, it's not about me and what I want, it is about God getting glory.
I have no idea how and when this little guy is going to come into the world. I do know that whether via vbac or c-section, he will come in the next couple weeks. Two weeks from today is thanksgiving. Though I'd prefer to go before then (please God!!) I guess that would be a mighty big thing to give thanks for :).
If you've read my blog much, you know me and my songs. When I find one that ministers to where I am at, I play it on repeat. Well don't worry, this time is no exception. The song this time is "It is well" by Bethel Music. It talks about my eyes being on God through it all and that it being well with me. Here are the lyrics and the youtube link .(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txg5nOIZYO8)