this is how I know our love

Sorry, i've been behind on keeping up! I've had a lot of thoughts lately but for the sake of understanding i'll try to keep this post to one topic. I feel like I need to take a deep breath before diving into this one. I want to be as transparent as I can with this one. Todays topic: love and the lack of it. the down & filthy, hurt & broken kind. The kind that you don't want to do and know isn't you but you do it and say those things anyway. The kind that usually involves a lot of tears & selfishness. The kind that leads to slamming doors & long bouts of silent anger.

To make a long story short, we love each other more than ever but we have been kinda mean to each other lately. We know the devil is trying to attack us and our marriage, and why not!- we're joining a marriage & family ministry! We've noticed that we have been giving into our emotions instead of clinging to the truth and how God designed us to love perfectly and purely. We desire that- the love of 1 corinthians 13. the love that Jesus shows us each day. the love that is only possible from a God as beautiful and gracious as ours.

We went to a Sara Groves concert a couple weeks ago. We weren't going to go. but at the very last possible minute (so last minute that we were 10 minutes late) we went. It was the hand of God that took us into the doors of that concert. What a needful night it was to our hearts. Below is a song she sang called "Roll to the middle". the song couldn't have come at a more perfect time in our lives. Two things I want to clarify before you read the lyrics:
1. "roll to the middle" in this song alludes to both husband/wife apologizing, not you know what.
2. I bold-ed the part that is so significant to us.

At first I wasn't going to paste the whole song, but as I listened to it again, I decided I wanted to include it all, so sorry for the length. Oh and here is a link for the song: http://new.music.yahoo.com/sara-groves/tracks/roll-to-the-middle--2120115.


"We just had a World War III here in our kitchen
We both thought the meanest things
And then we both said them
We shot at each other till we lost ammunition

This is how I know our love
This is when I feel it’s power
Here in the absence of it
This is my darkest hour

When both of us are hunkered down
And waiting for the truce

All the complicated wars
They end pretty simple
Here when the lights go down
We roll to the middle

No matter how my pride resists
No matter how this wall feels true
No matter how I can’t be sure
That you’re gonna roll in too
No matter what, no matter what
I’m going to reach for you"


We were deeply touched by these lyrics. And the honesty of them. It's so true, the pain is the worst when we are angry and selfish toward each other, not leaving any room for love and understanding. When we let our walls get too high and our pride too deep. But since our God is so loving & merciful, He breaks us down so we can finally see each other, heart to heart.

Why do I write this post and blabber on about these things? Because I know we're not the only ones who have gotten annoyed, frustrated, angry & upset at each other. You want to know one of the most beautiful things we've experienced in this? The feet of Jesus. there is so much mercy & forgivness at His feet. So much hope and so much power to fight off the enemy. We will never be "safe" from him in this world, but take heart, Jesus has overtaken the world! We don't have to be bound down, we don't have to feel angry. We are designed to enjoy & laugh & sing & dance.

We really CAN love like we are designed to love.

music and migraines

All things work together for good, right? That must include the ongoing, never-ending, no-relief-in-sight migraine that woke us up at 330am. (fyi...you'll notice a little dramatic topping). 6:10am came, when I usually get up to get ready for work but there was no convincing my head of that idea. Initially I thought, "I can't miss work, I will be fine"...so I attempt to climb out of bed and head to the bathroom when my head screamed "don't you dare". so I gave in and attempted to sleep away the pain. Why do I tell you all of this grumbling information? because without this migraine, I would not have been able to be a couch potato all day and dwell on God's goodness. In spite of the "don't make sudden movements" and "don't think to hard" restrictions, my "sick day" has been an amazing blessing. I've been sitting here in pretty much the same spot all day and have been listening to song after song. I love it, my soul needed it, my heart is filled by it. Music speaks to me like nothing else. A song, if it clicks with my heart, can send me to a place in my imagination where anything is possible! A song has a way of connecting emotions and feelings to ideas. You can pick how you want to feel based on certain songs. It's sort of like an escape, a vacation, a strength, a ray of light, a possibility, a pick where-you-want-to-be or what-you-want-to-do-someday dream. But then eventually the song ends. If only I could remember the way my heart beats and leaps during the song when it's over, but sometimes I forget. And so I play it again.


Seth recently bought me a CD by Starfield. This song is called "The Saving One".
When I listen to the part below, I'm filled with an energizing strength from God.

Here's a link for the video on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDpud8v-UWw

"No fear can hold me down,
Nor darkness steal my joy,
For blood has been poured out,
the enemy destroyed.
Death could not hold him down,
the cross was not enough
to steal away His throne
For HE IS GOD"


I love these verses of the song specifically. They remind me that i'm freed from anything that could possibly steal my joy or hold me frozen in fear of something. All because HE IS GOD.

Thanks for listening to my grumbling :). Until next time, don't stop singing...