wrestling with my heart.

Whew. I didn't want to write this blog post because it's easier to keep these feelings to myself instead of exposing myself to the world. Those deep parts of the heart that are easier to just cover up. But this morning I read a friend's blog who lives overseas and how having a baby overseas and away from family isn't what she ever wanted and it's hard. That's what i'm struggling with- minus the whole overseas part. After I read that God probed and poked my heart and told me to write too. I didn't want to because my pride was telling me that it would look like i'm just "copying" or emotionally responding (haha part of that actually may be true :)). I hope this will all make sense because I honestly feel like I am about to take my heart and dump it out all over this computer screen.

I don't know if I ever realized how much I wanted to be close to family once we had a baby. I always knew that is what I wanted but I never knew how much I would really want that. It's a crazy thing, really...God has given me incredible friends here, but yet I still find myself feeling so alone and not even sure of who I am anymore at times. It's an ongoing identity crisis and now I add trying to figure out who I am as a mother. A mother.

I want to be by my mom to teach me how to be a mom. I want to take Gracie to her grandparent's house and for her to love all the things that we loved about growing up there. I know we've been here over a year but I can't run to my parent's house on the weekend and smell my mom's apple crisp on a fall Saturday and no amount of time here will ever make me not miss and want those moments. I think I am homesick....not like "let's go visit and cure this homesickness" but truly homesick, the aching kind. But I don't know if the cure would be to move home, either....because for different reasons God has us here. I often ask what will come after this chapter? Where will we be? Where will we live? Will we have to start over again? Why can't families move with you when you're called somewhere? haha (selfish, yes, but I still want it sometimes!). Alot of my friends are having babies back home too, and I feel like i'm missing everything....we were all supposed to do life together- you know those dreams you have in high school and college?

I know everyone is only a phone call away, but it's not the same as sitting in the kitchen with your mom & dad or meeting a best friend for coffee or a walk.

I took a walk last night and told God that I felt so alone and He whispered to me that "no matter if you have no-one you still have Me, you're not alone". I felt full for a moment that I wanted to last. But why can't I feel that all the time then?

I want to share from my friend's blog:

"So much of me hates admitting that. So much of me wants to write about how I've overcome the anxious thoughts and have moved on to greener pastures. So much of me thinks God is disappointed in my poor attitude and lack of trust. But as I was praying and thinking about it a couple of days ago, I think God has me exactly where He wants me. Never before in my life have I had to work out my faith like this. And I don't mean it in the same way that people use "walking by faith". For me, walking by faith was moving to Thailand and trusting that God had gone before us to prepare the way. Working out my faith looks like a daily, gut-wrenching, tug-of-war where I don't feel like believing in His goodness but choose to anyway. It's when I feel like calling it quits, but choose to stay. When I feel like giving in to my selfish desires, but choosing to believe God's way really is better.

And mostly, it's when I don't feel God, but choose to believe that He's still right by my side, caring for my heart and all my needs."

My.heart.resonates.with.that.so.much.
Much of my wrestling with God recently has been the hardest battle my faith has ever withstood. I don't know why and I don't know why now but I've never doubted, felt so alone, and unsure of who God is as I do at times. Part of that has been just not feeling Him like I am used to. I know He's teaching me something about simple trust that He is always who He says He is, but I don't know how to grasp that yet.
I don't want this blog to be a pity-party or poor-ang. It is just where i'm at...hopelessly hopeful that God will do all things well and knowing that because He loves me, He won't leave me alone or abandon me. I write these things to tell them to myself- that I can trust God. That He is good. That He hears me and cares about how I feel. That He never turns a deaf ear on me but instead is working good at all times.

I find myself timid to approach God at times- fearing rejection or not being met with. I know these are not characteristics of God, but I still wrestle with them. This morning was good. God washed over me with His love. And then I questioned it. "God do you really love me like that?" "Are you really that faithful?" "Are you really that good to ME?". I landed in the psalms (my place of comfort this past year) and He spoke verse after verse about His steadfast love, He unending promises and faithfulness, His compassion on the hurting. His delight to bless me.

I think it's at times of greatest struggle you meet God in ways you didn't know He existed...in magnitudes of power and love that keep you trusting when you are weak and believing when you can't see. I can only imagine the season ahead of us is full of moment to moment trust and believing He is with me. Maybe that is partly why my heart is being trained now to deepen that and to wrestle through some of the scariest places in my heart- my fears.

Writing can be healing for me- which is why I journal and blog. It helps me to see True things and get outside of the inside of my head. Thanks for walking with me through this journey.

[I have pandora on as I write this- which could be good and bad as my emotions fluctuate with the songs, but regardless, it's been constant song after song of God's promise to be here no matter what. Thank you Jesus.]

Here's a couple that hit my heart strings:
"If you want me to" Ginny Owens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMKp4g_ZrGk
"Never let go" David Crowder Band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jHrbXEcee8

favorite quote of the day: "YOU [God] are stronger than any terrible possible scenario today".