5 years is really a long time. Think about how much a child changes in 5 years. First from a newborn to a baby and then a toddler and then a child and all that they learn in 5 years. They go from knowing nothing to learning a lot of basic, fundamental things in life as well a lot of other important things.
That has sort of been like our marriage. We started off knowing nothing and having to learn the basic, fundamentals of marriage. Then we progressed to crawling, then walking, and some days running. We have fallen and been hurt and have experienced joys we couldn't have thought up. And yet, in all of this, we are only 5 years in.
So I guess that puts us still in the child phase then, huh?
Oh dear. That means we still have the pre-teen and teenage years to go through before we hit adulthood. Some days this parallel seems so true. Some days it feels like we are still newborns and yet other days it feels like we've got this marriage thing down.
On September 14 (Saturday) we will have been married for 5 years. I feel like I could write a book, or maybe multiple books on "lessons" we have learned. And what not to do. And maybe a few things to do.
All in all, through it all- I love you Seth Braker. And i'm celebrating our 5 crazy, wonderful, painful, awesome years of marriage. Let's continue to go on marvelous adventures together!
Even though the whole city of peoria was under water due to massive amounts of rain that caused flooding...we still managed to get some awesome pictures :)...here are some of my favorites:
Seeing eachother for the first time!
a little bridesmaid love. typical :)
The groomsmen and ushers
Both of our families
Throwing paper airplanes at us as we ran out of reception :)
This past weekend we got to spend in Branson with Seth's family. We knew about it for a while but because of the chaos in our lives lately, we didn't make up our minds until Wednesday night to go and left Thursday night.....*sigh* that just seems to be how we roll lately. Better late than never, right?
We had a GREAT time hanging out together. We did some swimming, some shopping, and some eating out. We have to coordinate our "activities" around quite a few naps and schedules :).
On Sunday morning we went to this brunch. And when I say brunch I mean don't-eat-for-days-feeling-of-fullness. To give you an idea of how much food is offered, Seth kept drinking water before we left that morning so he could stretch his stomach out to fit more food. This place is a.m.a.z.i.n.g. It's at the college of the Ozarks and the students there prepare the food and are the wait staff. They have an omelette station, biscuits, bacon/ham/potatoes station, waffle station, pasta station, meat/fish/vegetable station, salad bar, fruit bar, and the most decadent dessert table. Typically I don't like buffets. But this isn't even in that caliber. I mean it is a buffet but it's not even close to the typical type of buffet (as in the kind we went to when I was a kid because it was cheap and quick and when you have a family of 4 boys and 1 girl you need massive amounts of food for bottom dollar, haha :)).
We came home on Sunday afternoon and everyone else was staying for a little longer. It was a quick trip but definitely worth the drive and tons of fun!!
See the weekend in pictures, below:
This was the first and last time she'll be wearing this suit...I LOVE the ears on the hood!
I love these munchkins! They are growing up so fast!
Gracie got the hang of "lounging"...at first she didn't like the water but after a little time she LOVED it. (I love the curled toes :)).
My girl and me
Gracie and her daddy...see any resemblance? :)
Mags being cute...she is a little fish, I think she'd swim all day if you let her :).
I just LOVE those cheeks! she's full of curiosity about the world.
Rio buddy loved the water fountains!
Gracie loved them, too.
We watched a short water show after eating out one night.
All of us, the Braker family :)! (after we had miserably stuffed our faces!)
Jay & Jackie's family
The Zimm's!
Our family
Grandpa and Grandma Braker and all their grandkids!
This morning my heart hurts and it is sad. I'm sorting through it and trying to reconcile the pieces that fell apart last night.
We live in this awesome rental right now...it perfectly exceeds our needs. However, we deeply desire to own a home. One of our own. To update and redo and dream and create with. And that is one of our hopes in the present or not to far off future- to buy a home. As we are settling in our rental we are casually looking at homes as they come on the market.
Last week our realtor sent us an email with a house that just came on the market. It was ADORABLE. We scheduled a showing as quickly as we could. We walked through it and
fell. in. love. I mean seriously in love. It was completely our style and the type of home we dreamed about owning. We looked beyond the never-updated-kitchen and the completely gutted upstairs and the no garage and the messy electrical wiring and how all the windows and siding would need torn down and replaced and the tiny one bathroom and and and AND we dreamed and envisioned and created this cozy little home.
I jumped on pinterest and seth jumped on autocad and together we tore down walls and added walls and "built" a home. It had charm. It had character. It had potential. It was "our style" to a perfect T. AND we could afford it. And we could afford to update it. We absolutely had fallen in love with it. I kept trying not to but eventually along the way I did.
So like any hopeful-first-time-homebuyer who is in love with a home would do- we put in an offer. Admittingly, it was low, but it was definitely fair. So for three days we countered back and forth with the sellers. Three very long days. Wednesday night we put our final offer in along with a personal letter explaining how much we loved this home. And the next morning when we excitedly hoped to hear good news we found out someone else had put in an offer THAT morning. The morning our final offer was supposed to be accepted. My heart sank because I knew we couldn't really compete in a bidding war. I was sad. I was mad at these unknown people for making an offer on our house- how dare they?! I was mad at the sellers for even entertaining the idea of another offer after all we had been through together in the past 3 days. Righteous indignation, right? (no. not at all actually).
The plan was both buyers were supposed to come to the table with their very best offer by 2:00 pm yesterday afternoon. So we talked and offered our best. We brought all we could, minding the extensive updating, to the table. We were really hopeful. I mean, hello- we had been working with these sellers for 3 days and had written them a sweet, heart-felt little letter about why they should pick us. I kept trying to tell myself to prepare for the worst but my stinkin heart made that really difficult.
Seth and I kept texting that afternoon..."have you heard anything yet?!" "nope. not yet". "any news yet?!" "no, haven't heard anything yet :(". I had a feeling he would find out on his commute home from work. I envisioned him running through the front door and announcing we were first time home buyers and laughing, hugging, yada yada yada. Okay slightly dramatic...but you get it. Instead he walked in, shoulders low and sad eyes. Right away I could tell something wasn't right but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to face it. But like it or not, I can't escape reality. A recent quote I read hit me "avoiding reality never changes reality".
He showed me the text from our realtor that said "I'm sorry, but the sellers decided to accept the other offer". I had planned not to cry if this happened. I had planned to be okay with it. We had prayed specifically that God would not give us this house if it wasn't right. We had prayed and prayed over it. But I forgot not to cry and the tears flowed. I forgot to be okay with not getting it and proclaimed "why is everything always so hard?! why does God always make our journeys so difficult". (in counseling we have been taught *relentlessly* not to use words like always/never/everything/etc because they tend to over-dramatize and under rationalize the reality). But there was no rationalizing going on in that moment. It was a pure broken and shattered heart.
I cried, we hugged. We stood, sad. Sad eyes and sad hearts. We knew it would be okay. We knew we were blessed beyond measure. We knew God would provide. But we needed a moment of just being where we were before moving on.
So what better way to move on than to tear apart the house. haha, oh dear. I felt a wave wash over me and told seth, "Okay, now let's tell eachother everything we hated about the house and why it would have been a TERRIBLE idea for us to buy it"...so for the next 15 minutes we talked through why this would have been a "terrible" purchase and why we were so much better off without it. And then at the end, I cried again because I still loved it.
So after hashing through it last night and riding the emotions and telling ourselves the typical "there's a better one out there" and "we didn't get this for a reason", etc., we went to bed still super sad but resolved to believe and trust in God who knows much much better than we do.
So I expected to wake up this morning and feel peaceful and okay about it all. Not so. I woke up thinking about owning this house and then the reality hit me, oh yeah...we didn't get it. And then came the great sadness again. I wrestled this morning with my emotions and begged God just to take away the feeling of sadness because it felt so heavy and painful and I didn't want to feel it anymore. But it didn't just "go away". And so we had to work on it. Me and God. And as I listed off all the things I am really thankful for the pain started to ease. I realized that by praising Him simply for who He is and for Jesus that i'm so blessed. And then beginning to list off other things like the family I have and the home we have and and and, I felt the pain ease and my vision became more clear. No, i'm not fluffing it up- it still hurts and i'm still really sad about it. I am still struggling with it. But I also realize how compared to so so so many other painful situations that my family and friends are dealing with- this isn't so bad. really no so much.
It's all about perspective. I mean really, it's an incredible thing that we can even put in an offer on a home and have the ability to own a home. Seth reminded me of that in his prayer the other day, "God we thank you that we can even own a house here, we know that in some countries they can't even own property...we are blessed to even have this opportunity"....wow. Yes, it's all about perspective.
Song of the day:
God be Praised by Gateway Worship
Well I'm trying out something new. It's sort of a big step for me. It may sound like a little nothing but I am really excited about it. I have been praying for ways I can make a supplemental income for us since we've moved back to Illinois. While I am keeping my eye out for part time nursing jobs, there aren't any that would work out right now. I easily get stressed financially. I get easily overwhelmed. I have to keep bringing it to God and remembering that He owns it all anyways and He is the Provider for our needs. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being home with Gracie. It's awesome. However, sometimes, I also feel stir-crazy at home feeling like I need to be working or doing something to bring in some income. Well in the midst of moving and living at my parents for a couple months I had some free time on my hands (ie- not cleaning/cooking/grocery shopping, etc) so I decided to learn photoshop a little better and for fun create some wall art. My sister-in-law had sent me a few ideas that she wanted me to make for her girls and it sort of inspired me to keep going (thanks Jen :)). I made a few designs and showed Seth and he said I should sell them. I was pretty hesitant at first...who would want to buy these? I really don't even know what i'm doing! I am not sure they look that great. etc etc etc. Doubts plagued me paralleled with curiosity of what if. What if I just tried it? Even if I don't sell any, it's worth a try. Seth and my family kept cheering me on to try it so I figured why not. I don't know what will become of it. Maybe nothing, maybe something more. Regardless, it's fun, I feel like God opened this door as something I can do from home, and hopefully it blesses others. I hope to keep making new designs and would welcome any quotes, verses, ideas you feel inspired to share!! I am calling the shop Jars of Grace. Why? 1. I love Grace (not speaking of my daughter here- speaking of God's grace- that beautiful thing that we don't deserve but oh how we need). 2. I love jars- mason jars, old jars, etc. but more than their use-ability or creative functionality, my husband has a theory he calls the "jar theory". Simply, the theory is that we all have jars on these shelves in our hearts and often times when we hear something whether at church or in a conversation with a friend or reading an article, etc. we can tend to put in the the jar that is labeled "I already have heard this" and we miss the opportunity to learn something new because we label it as known knowledge and place it in the appropriate jar. Going off of that theory, my hope is that each of these designs is a tangible reminder of God's grace in our life and instead of reading a verse/quote/etc and putting it away we can read it afresh each time and be taught something or reminded of something that we need to be reminded of/taught. God's Word is living and active, it's not meant to be "put away on a shelf". 3. yes I do have a daughter named Grace so yes, it is fun that the shop includes her name in the title :). SO after a rather long-winded explanation- that's how Jars of Grace designs was created. We will see what God does. My hope is that He is seen through these products. Like I said I would LOVE & WELCOME feedback and ideas and constructive criticism! To check out the shop on etsy go to: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jarsofgrace Here's a few random pictures from recently:
At my cousin's wedding in July. It was on the Spirit of Peoria and was so fun to be there celebrating with Brandon and Sarah!
We tried out the riverfront farmer's market this saturday...LOVED it. Got lots of great produce and had fun browsing the breads, crafts, etc.
Best purchase of the day- $1 zucchini! It is HUGE.
I have been purposely putting off blogging for a little
while. I think it’s because I have so many thoughts and so much to say that a.
it probably wouldn't make much sense and b. I’m still sorting through what it
is that I’m feeling.
To update: two weeks ago we moved to Morton! We are renting
a great duplex that exceeds our “needs”. We are really enjoying it here. I feel
like we have finally started to “transition”…sort of. The “transition” has been
much more messy and a lot less easy than I thought it would be. I think
I was expecting God to make it easy
for us…I mean we just left the mission field, shouldn't He be abundantly
lavishing blessings on us? (note the EXTREME sarcasm). Yeah. I realized I was
creating “needs” that God must meet or exceed because after all we “deserved”
them ...and finally realizing a. we don’t “deserve” any of these and b. He IS
exceeding all of our needs…He always does. I realize how ugly those expectations
were. How easy it is to develop an “I deserve this” mentality. How gross.
I could list off a bunch of things that we are blessed with
and why God is good to us even when it’s not how we would do it…and while all
of that is important and noteworthy…it dims. It dims in comparison that I am
blessed because I have Jesus. (this is not a fluffy comment, it’s deeply
sincere). Because if everything that was “making me feel blessed” was stripped
away from me…I’m still lavishly blessed because I have an undying and
everlasting Hope. I have to adjust my focus on this often. I tend to get really
caught up in stuff and expectations and disappointments that I forget how
seriously and intensely good I have it- solely because of Jesus.
Okay so you know when you’re listening to the radio and they
have those games where you call in and attempt to win prizes? Well it turns out
Seth has some kind of eerie knack of winning radio prizes. He wins things all
the time. This time he won tickets to a Woman of Faith conference. SO this past
weekend I went to the conference with my mom. To be honest I had some preconceived
judgments about the conference that everything was going to be tied up in a bow and “this is what
you need to do to be a good little Christian wife/mom/woman”. And it turns out
I was wrong and God humbled me. It was an awesome weekend :).
Out of many things I learned one keeps sticking out…God
INHABITS the praises of His people. One of the speakers really drove this home
in a fresh perspective I’d never before understood. The definition of inhabit
means to live or reside in/to dwell/to be present in; fill. Simply put- when
you praise God He shows up. When you don’t know what to do, worship Him and you
will feel His presence. When you praise Him, He inhabits you. So next time you’re
frustrated, hopeless, fearful, anxious, fill in the blank- literally sing praises out loud to Him
and feel His presence. I'll admit it is not my first reaction- to praise God when life is hard...but I want to do this.
Have a great Monday!!
A couple of my favorite pictures from recently:
I had the extreme privilege to take some maternity photos for one of my dearest friends and had to post a few from the shoot because they are too stinking cute.
Awhile ago I wrote a post on feeling like I am a sojourner.
I went back and read it and it was a good reminder for me in the midst of this
ongoing transition period. To be reminded to have a heart that is full of
unquestioning obedience to God. To be willing to go where He leads and be okay
not knowing why, or, even more than that- maybe to never see why.
Truthfully, it’s hard to write an honest post about how I’m
feeling in fears of offending someone. It’s difficult for me to spill my heart
on the world wide web and think that I might be met with judgment or criticism.
Sometimes it makes my heart cringe to be so openly vulnerable. But I need to
and I can’t not.
When we left Little Rock I was heartbroken but confident
that God would provide all our needs- like a house, a new car, community, etc.
And I was confidently thinking that He would do it ASAP. I was fine waiting a
week, even two if necessary, but I thought, “Surely if He is calling us away
from something so good and something we love so much then He will quickly bring
these provisions.”
And it’s not that He hasn’t…He has provided for us 100%
completely. We’ve lacked nothing. It’s just not in the way I had hoped for/expected.
I’ve laid out our needs morning after morning to God and
have asked Him to miraculously provide. To show up in a way that brings Him
glory and to provide for our needs. We need a new vehicle. We need a home. We
need community. We need doctors and dentists and hair stylists. Etcetera. So I surrender to Him and trust Him and
expectantly wait that day for a miracle (along with relentlessly researching). And
since we are on a budget we know it will take a miracle to get the kind of
vehicle we would like and a house we love. So we pray and get excited knowing
that God is able and wanting Him to get the credit. And day after day passes
and we are still in the same boat.
I’ve been looking at my heart lately and wondering why I get
so frustrated that we can’t afford these things that we want. My flesh is
telling me we deserve them. I mean
God took us from something so good and on top of that we were serving HIM. Ha! Maybe
that is part of the problem. How easy it is to slip into the mindset of
entitlement. It’s been a roller-coaster of emotions like “we should be ‘entitled’
to this” juxtaposed with “I am so grateful we have a roof over our heads”.
So I read this morning about dying to self. And it struck me.
I read this quote “We leave a growing area of ministry at His command- then He
provides one better than we had ever dreamed. We surrender all our cherished
hopes and die to self- then He sends overflowing joy and His ‘life…that [we]
might have it more abundantly.”
God’s ways are above mine. His timing is out of my
understanding. He plans don’t make sense to me. But that’s okay. Because as
long as I keep coming back to Him He provides for my every need. I don’t need to worry about what I think we need or deserve. God is clearly
able to take care of those things and as I look back, I can see that He always
has.
We have had a couple of disappointments. We put an offer in
on a house last week and after a few counteroffers it wasn’t accepted. That was
hard. It wasn’t so much that I felt horribly distraught about THAT house it was
that I so badly wanted a home. So I cried, hard. We talked about it and came to
the conclusion that God must have something else out there even better (typical
coping mechanism, right?). And as I type this we are saying yes to renting. It’s
not what I had hoped for- I had hoped for a place of our own, our first house.
We’ve dreamed of projects, etc we would do one day to our home. But this rental
is a miracle in itself. It’s within our budget (because of generosity), it has
a garage and a basement (which we prayed for specifically), and three bedrooms
(which we had realllly wanted). It’s exactly what we need right now. And it’s
for a reason.
I’m still not to the point where I can say I’m so happy and
excited and even thankful for all of these changes. I will get there.
Eventually. I will because there is so much good and so much to be excited
about and so much to be thankful for- if I choose to live looking through His
eyes, not mine.
I love this quote by F.B. Meyer, “Indeed, there is nothing
God will not do for those who will dare to step out in faith onto what appears
to be only a mist. As they take their first step, they will find a rock beneath
their feet.”
here are some random pictures of life lately:
7 months old!
4th of July
Last weekend we went to Michigan to celebrate with Amy & Matt for their wedding and I was super honored to be one of Amy's bridesmaids! It was SUCH a beautiful wedding!
