Sometimes there's so much I want to write about that I don't know what to write. Sometimes it seems like my brain spins a million miles a second throwing out ideas left and right. Sometimes the only way to focus my thoughts or work through things well is with music. The other day I was taking a walk and listening to some good old caedmon's call. Oh how good it was to listen to some good old familiar music. I was again reminded why they still remain one of my favorite bands. I love listening to them because it seems like each time a do, a different part of their lyrics gets my heart. This time the lyrics came from the song "there is a reason". Here's the part of the song that stuck out to me:
Late at night the darkness makes it hard to see
the history of the saints who've gone in front of me
through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them...cause there is a reason
He makes all things good. He makes all things good.
there's a time to live and a time to die
a time for wonder and a for wonder why
I LOVE these lyrics because so often I do forget those who have gone before me. Those in the old testament of the Bible who lived through so much and yet God had a reason for that season and He provided. perfectly. And that doesn't mean it was easy, but He knew the future in a way they could not see. And the God of those people is still the God of us today. He hasn't changed. He still provides and still has a reason for everything.
I've been learning lately what it means to really trust God. Not just "I trust you God." but "I really do trust that Your ways are better and beyond my simple understanding"...sometimes it feels like a blind trust. actually, often times that is the case. I'm learning that the more I sink into Him and make myself let go of things that seem "safe" or "make sense", the more I feel peace. this makes no sense to me. shouldn't it be the other way around? wouldn't it make sense that if I think what i'm doing is "safe"/comfortable that I should feel peace? I think what God teaching me is that I am holding onto things that aren't HIM for security.
But sometimes I don't know how to get from what feels safe to what seems impossible. It's kinda like someone telling me to just step off of a cliff with no harness or parachute or something of the sort and telling me I'll actually be safer if I just step. crazy, right? who would do that? That's sorta what God's been teaching me. I keep hearing Him say "just step off, I'll catch you" & I say "um first off I think that is a bad idea, but if- and only if I would decide to step off I need to gather some gear, I need to bring my security blankets with me". He says "no, all you need is to step". I say "yeah but I at least need this". And again He says, just step. Why is it so hard to just step? It's one simple choice, one simple decision. Do I not trust that He is good enough to catch me? Do I not trust that His plans for my life are way better than my plans for my life? I know the right words, I know the right thing to say...but do I really believe it? Do I believe that when He calls me to do something that He will provide...in His own way? Am I okay with the fact that God isn't going to do it "angela's way" and He isn't afraid of my whining? He says He will be with me when I pass through the waters & they will not overtake me (Isaiah 43:2). I think the bravest people on this earth are the people who take that step of the cliff and trust God and walk the journey He takes them on- focused on Him, trusting in His sweet and beautiful love. are they confused? probably. do they have clarity or answers? probably not. do they know how long it will last/take? usually not. do they have questions? yes, tons. but they follow with blind trust in Jesus through fear, doubt, hurt, pain, joy, peace, silence, broken hearts. If i'm brave, i'll trust blindly in my God who never leaves me. I want to be brave like that. Like those who have gone before me.
"The sweetest moment on this road is moving forward not knowing where to go" - Alli Rogers
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