our pinterest fail maternity photo shoot :)

So I am at that point in my pregnancy where certain things become suddenly urgent. By urgency I mean like when I have an idea it has to be done NOW otherwise I might cry. Okay it's not always that bad, but sometimes it is...anyways I have a super gracious husband who, to the best of his ability, tries to accommodate these ideas/needs/wants/whatever they are. Today I decided to hang some pictures and didn't want to wait for Seth to get home to do it correctly (the things I have learned about hanging photos since being married to this guy!). Some of the frames didn't have hooks to hang them with so I had to get creative because I didn't want to run to the store to get proper photo hangers so I went to my craft shelf and found a safety pin and some tacky glue and applied to the back. The result- epic fail...but Seth gave me points for creativity. 

This weekend it was pictures. I have this incredible love for photos and making sure we capture seasons of life. We are planning to get maternity photos taken by a dear friend but in case I go early or we don't make that happen I wanted a few pictures with Gracie to capture this season. In his spare time my handy-house-remodeling husband also is a photographer on the side, didn't you know? :)

I had pulled up pinterest and had these PERFECT poses in mind where Gracie would PERFECTLY cooperate and my hair would look perfect and the weather would be perfect and it would just be...perfect. haha.

We decided to try before church on Sunday. It was cold, really chilly actually. It was super cloudy, we forgot our chair to use as a prop, Gracie started bawling right away and wanted nothing to do with the photo-shoot, we couldn't get her paci away from her....it was a pinterest fail by definition for sure but it was real life and I love that. Combined with a few pictures we took after church I think we managed some really awesome pictures to capture this pregnancy and to show the true personality of my spunky, sweet Gracie Mae. 

Here are a few that I edited, Enjoy!

Blowing bubbles

To me it looks like she is listening to a "secret" from little brother :)

I just love this sweet girl so much.

Her expression says it all about how she feels about this photo-shoot idea

One of my favorites- it looks like she is yelling at her little brother already!

I LOVE this. "Don't worry guys, I'll teach him all I know"- said by an ornery 22 month old.

Belly Picture!! :)

I love love this. Just a mommy daughter moment.

typical. :)

So I asked for a kiss and went in for it. What I got was a slobbery wet one. :)


I love the story these pictures tell...the spunky-ness, the sweet moments, the anticipation, the season we are in and the one we are about to enter into. 

our beautiful/not-so-beautiful mess

The Getaway:

In the middle of our swirling craziness of life right now, Seth and I got away last weekend.

It. was. awesome.

We usually try to go somewhere for our anniversary because we feel like marriage is something to celebrate. This year I was telling Seth that I just really needed a retreat, to go somewhere un-busy and slow-paced. For a few reasons: one- I am major pregnant right now and going going going did not sound fun, two- life at home has been hard with our spunky, spirited, defiant, but oh so sweet almost two year old. I am WORN OUT, three- our quality time together has been especially slim between work, parenting, *finishing* the house, and other things we have going on.

So we searched a bunch of awesome recommendations from people (thank you to you who recommended places on facebook or otherwise to us, they all looked awesome!). Due to the fact that we basically had ONE good weekend left to do this before this baby comes, we had little options as far as making reservations. We knew we wanted a bed and breakfast...well I knew we wanted a bed and breakfast. We stayed in Galena for our first year anniversary and decided to try to find a place there again, and God SO provided the most amazing retreat we could have picked.

It was soooo nice to be able to have uninterrupted conversation that wasn't about parenting or house renovations or work. We spent the weekend sharing our hearts and talking about our marriage and the things God has done in it these past months and year since we've moved back to IL and years as a whole- the good, the bad and the ugly. We had slow, un-rushed mornings and ate delicious food that we didn't have to scarf down or cut into little pieces. I'm telling you- it. rocked. We went hiking, which was sort of humorous, considering that Seth had to basically push my 33.5 week pregnant self up the steep parts...but it was beautiful in the midst of changing leaves and pretty fall weather. It was just what we needed to refuel before our little boy enters the world and a welcomed refreshment in the midst of the "terrible twos" of our little Gracie Mae.

The Backstory:

To be totally honest...we have, in the past 6 months or so, gone through a complete demolition and rebuilding process of us individually and as a couple. It. has. hurt. But a good kind of hurt.

This past year has been especially hard for us, moving back to IL. The combination of moving, moving with a baby, living back and forth between parents and a rental, buying a new/old house, financial stress, a new pregnancy, finding a church, finding community and friends, and the super bitter cold winter we had were just some of the things that made it difficult.

Yes, these things definitely did not help. But they were not the problem. They didn't cause our fights or the dark season in our marriage. The baggage and the traumas we brought into our marriage definitely have impacted the way we handle/view/feel things but they didn't cause these things either.

We did. Us as individuals and our own individual sin habits. And our idols that we've built over time. And our pride. It's with a shying-away expression I write those ugly things. We went to a Biblical Counselor and begged him to tell us what the root of our issues were. We told him we just wanted to get to the root of what was causing these conflicts (and truly both thinking it must be something in the other person that just had to change). We sat across from him in his office and in the most loving and genuinely compassionate way he could, he looked directly at us and explained that the root of our cycles, our conflicts, was our own individual sin and that we cared more about ourselves or our idols than we did about worshiping God.

Ouch. Raw Truth. My mind wanted to automatically begin to justify how this wasn't really completely all that true. And that is when it really started to hurt...as we walked through what this looked like, how it had been hurting each other and mostly how it was idol worship. It was such an intense pain as God tore down/continues to tear down all of our comforts, securities, refuges in anything but Him. The pain seared and felt unsafe and unsure at times. Oddly, it was the best kind of pain we've ever felt.

But at the same time He tore down, He built. He added faith to believe that He is the only real safe place. He added grace upon grace that ripped down walls of perfection. He added love that blinds out the ugly nature of criticism and judgement. When we decreased, He increased. When we obeyed Him at His Word instead of performing or doing something for a specific wanted outcome, He gave a supernatural peace, even in the midst of deep rooted pain.

This has been and is one of the the hardest things we have ever done. Learning to really and truly deny ourselves for God's glory. Denying what makes me feel safe when I feel completely terrified. Denying what I want and, this one is especially difficult for me, denying hopes and expectations that- even good things at times- have become an idol for me instead of just a desire. The whole idol building thing happens so silently and so easily.

Without basically writing everything we have been learning and relearning (which may happen eventually), we are in a season of rebuilding the foundation of who we are in Christ and what marriage is really about and how it really is supposed to work. I think we are still on the foundation of this thing- no walls yet or a roof, definitely no decoration yet. We don't want to rush it, we want it to be solid and full of Him.

So to sum all of that up: We learned that the root of our "problems" is our own sin and pride. "We do what we do because we want what we want"- this has been an often repeated quote in our home and even in our parenting. We finally realized that the other person isn't the problem, we are. If we individually don't change and break the chains of pride and idols then our marriage will not get better. It can't be up to the other person. But for so many years we were convinced it was. It's still a hard lesson and will continue to be as we continue do do marriage and life and parenting. But we've been promised everything we need is in Christ, so we can do it and we can do it right.

It's messy and there is a whole lot of need for a whole lot of grace and forgiveness and confession and redo's and humility and love, truly loving rightly.

So this year we celebrate 6 years of mess and heartache and complete joy and healing and freedom.

As we go into year 7, I told Seth I hope for a year of "settling" and "establishing". We will be rounding out the major projects on our home renovation, we hope to get involved with community and a small group, we want to open our home to anyone who wants a place to come and talk or wants a warm meal- even if it is canned soup :). We want to establish who we are as a family and be a family growing through the mess ups and the unpretty moments.

So, Seth Braker, let's continue this crazy, faith dependent, grace filled, messy, beautiful and real journey together!

Here are some pictures from our weekend, be warned- they are mostly all selfies of us.

33.5 weeks

On our hike that I barely made it!

My awesome breakfast date both mornings

The view from our porch, it was soo pretty.

Our "anniversary" dinner, I had maple pecan salmon over sweet potatoes and veggies and seth had coffee rubbed skirt steak with tomato verde sauce and roasted potatoes- SO good.

The same place we hiked to 5 years before for our first anniversary. 

Let's go on many more adventures together :). 

***We have dear friends that gave us the gift of transparency into their lives, into their freedom journey. It taught us that we so often live isolated, neat looking lives when so many times are falling apart or at the very least struggling on the inside. The more they shared, the more we drank in and learned the beauty of be real and authentic and the healing that can come with that. Noone lives a perfect life.We continue to share our story in hopes that God will use it to reach someone else's struggle. So to tag onto this, there is a song that I've been listening to lately that encompasses what i'm trying to say. We aren't meant to live this life alone. 

It is called "No Man is an Island" by Tenth Avenue North.

and to end it, here is a video of my girl dancing to it :)

basically *finished* half bath and some others!

We have one almost *completely* finished room! The half bath! All we need left to do is hang blinds, pick out/construct a mirror, get a light fixture, and a few random touch-ups. I actually have often forgotten that it is done and run up the stairs to the bathroom and then remember. That's a real bummer.

I shared in my last blog my inspiration for this bathroom. We were planning to just put the hardwood floors we have downstairs in the bathroom but one day we were shopping at home depot and ran into this awesome vintage looking black and white floor. We both fell in love and are actually really glad we went with tile in here instead of wood....we will be potty training soon- enough said.

Here are some before and after pictures of the bathroom:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

So we kept the original shelf above the toilet because we thought it was charming! Seth built some built-in shelves to go above the toilet- I feel like they look like they've always been there- which we were trying to make it look original. 

First room with crown molding!!

Also the first room with baseboards!
We found a matching toilet flusher to our faucets on clearance, which was just fun.

I still need a mirror and a light fixture. We found a light we both LOVE, just need to budget it in. 

I love my tile floors!

Porch Demo:

I think I posted a few pictures of our porch demo on facebook, but I'll post a few more on here. We really liked the idea of having a sunroom off of the dining room, but it just wasn't in good enough condition to keep. There was also a deck on top of it that was attached to the master bedroom- also a really fun idea, but it had rotted through so we wouldn't have been able to safely step foot on it. Someday we miiiiiight rebuild a sunroom and add a master bath/closet on top. Maybe. But for now, there is a door from our master bedroom leading to nowhere. Yep, we are that house. We had amazing help from family and friends at church- thank you thank you so much, you blessed us tremendously!!

This was the porch before we took it down, it was being used as Seth's wood storage shed.

Another view. We also took down the awning and plan to take down the rest, eventually. 

Our cute little helper, she didn't want to miss a thing. 

The awesome team taking it down.

Thank you to our awesome Dad B. for letting us load down your truck!

Getting closer...

Last beam to come down!

Seth doing a bunch of patch work where the porch was attached to the house. Since then he has patched it in quite a bit more. We will eventually get a glass patio door to replace the awesome turquoise door so we can walk out from our dining room to our awesome new patio. Next summer (maybe) Seth is going to build us a table, but for now we will enjoy our pair of chairs :). Oh, also, notice the door on the second floor. Yeah, be jealous your house doesn't have this :).

Furniture business:

Seth has been dreaming of starting his own furniture business for years now. He has built quite a few pieces of our furniture in our own home in his dad's shop, or on our apartment balcony, etc. Now that we have a house with a workshop in the basement and a garage to work on projects it is finally possible. That is, after he finishes building our house ;). Picking a name for his business has been sort of like picking a baby name (which, no, we still don't have one)...it has to be perfect. There is one he pretty much loves, but we will reveal it once it is official. Anyways, he did take a little time to make a bench for a friend who was surprising his wife. And I personally think it is awesome. It is made out of old barnwood. The legs were those huge beams in the barn- really really solid. Keep him in mind for all your custom furniture ideas :)

Pregnancy:

I am a little bit over 29 weeks and it honestly is going too fast. I am just not quite ready for this little man to enter the world yet. We don't even have a name picked out yet. We definitely don't have a room for him yet. I have a bin of some random garage sale boys clothes I've been buying, but not enough for how much a newborn goes through. A lot of our baby stuff is sprawled out in the spare unfinished room, basement in multiple places and a closet. This boy will probably be using pink blankets and maybe even pink onesies if I don't get moving. 

Gracie:
We have been hitting defiance with Gracie like never before. I know she's not even two yet so i'm sure we have a way to go. It.is.exhausting. We were in home depot the other day and she flat out threw herself on the ground screaming. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. We both looked at each other and said we have no idea what to do with this child, and who in the world is she?! Her own sin nature is coming out very loudly and it is honestly hard to know what to do at times. Balancing grace with discipline with consequences with not sparing the rod with i'm-exhausted-and-just-ignore-the-tantrum. And she's only 21 months. All you parents out there- you're amazing. I've never appreciated you as much as I do now. Oh, and we worked at FamilyLife for 2 years, shouldn't we have a resource on this somewhere? probably, but by the time I deal with the tantrum, i'm ready for a nap. There really is so much to love about her spunky and sweet personality, we just have to help "shape" it....

She does have her sweet moments most definitely. And those moments that send us doubled over laughing so hard.

It took alllll summer of her hating the water, but on the last night the pool was open, she LOVED it.

"painting" :)

Happy Friday and three day weekend to most of you who get off Labor day! 

Song of the day: "How can it be" by Lauren Daigle

a few things from life lately

Whew time is speeding by. Hello third trimester and goodbye summer, basically. When did that happen?! We have been cruising along on the house trying to get as much done before baby boy makes his grand entrance as well as before we need to have a second appraisal. The whole house project/renovation/makeover/whatever you want to call it has really been consuming our time when we have free time. I go in bursts with it, some days I feel inspired, other days overwhelmed, other days just tired of working on it (rather of Seth working on it) and desperate for the season to come when we can just be a family- with only small, not-as-pressing projects and when our Friday nights aren't always "work nights" but rather the occasional "date night"....all in all though, I am loving it here in our home and each time we finish another project it feels like a new house all over again, which is sort of fun considering I love new things. The timing of how long we think things should take and when we thought we would be done has completely overturned basically all of our expectations. We now just assume everything will take longer than we think it should. It's is a lot better mentally for us and then we feel awesome when we get something done sooner :). The current project Seth is working on is our half bath....I LOVE it so far...pictures to come. (I know I know, like I haven't said that before...)

Life has been full lately as well. I got a job as a nurse again- woohoo! I work one evening a week teaching Childbirth classes (timely, right?), it's perfect right now to get my foot back in the door and not to have to find a babysitter since Seth is home then. So far it's been a blast. Though, every time I am at a class I am reminded of what is to come for me in 12 weeks......

Gracie is at a super fun age right now. She is 20 months and so full of life. She is also such a little diva. She will grab one of my purses, sling it on her shoulder accompanied with 4 or 5 necklaces around her neck and a cell phone to her ear while pushing her baby in a stroller and wearing sun glasses. I seriously love it. She is also getting much better about entertaining herself with her toys or books which is fun to watch and a welcomed break :). She is also starting to talk a ton, part of me doesn't want her to grow out of her half baby garble/ half real words. She is spirited, sweet, stubborn, hilarious, compassionate, curious and super social. Thankfully she is reallly really into babies right now, i'm hoping that is to our benefit as baby makes his arrival :).

Baby boy- we don't have a name yet, we either can't agree or just can't decide. It may come down to the delivery room at this point. Meaning is important to us when it comes to picking out a name. So we might really like a name but it has terrible meaning, so for us it's out. I really really liked a name but Seth had a hamster for two days that he returned to the store because it had a growth that he named that name so he doesn't like it. Stinkin hamster. 

We attempted a garden. But it actually looks more like a jungle right now. It's really pitiful actually, but we have harvested a few zucchini, tomatoes and green beans. Better luck next year....

This past weekend I was in Knoxville, TN for a training for Deeper Still (I have a whole other blog I've been crafting on this that i'll hopefully post soon)...it was an awesome weekend away with a group of women I call my "unlikely community"- only God could have crossed all of our paths and brought us together. 

Here's a few pictures of life lately:

This is our half bath currently, Seth just finished painting the planks on the wall and the beadboard and we have a really cool vintage black and white tile floor to hopefully go in this weekend! I can't wait to have a bathroom on our main floor!

This picture is our inspiration for the half bath, found on pinterest. We will also have a pedestal sink in ours :)

My awesome "unlikely community"...oh how I have been abundantly, deeply blessed by these dear souls.

This was a week ago at 27 weeks when I *almost* failed my glucose test, thankfully my doctor uses a more forgiving scale and I barely made it in the "safe number" parameter!

Some of our garden yield. These look look A LOT larger in this picture, they were tiny. But we were thrilled, nonetheless!

My boy and I at David and Heather's wedding, Seth was a groomsman- it was a gorgeous wedding!

FINALLY got pigtails in this girl's hair! We have made huge progress with her letting me put her hair up! This mom is happy about that :)

Seth texted me this picture when  was gone last weekend, I love my little family.

                           Just a normal day in our home, G loves to talk, I personally think it's adorable :)

I LOVE this. It was in the home of a very dear woman in Knoxville, TN. I couldn't not take a picture.
"Your beautifully, messy, complicated story matters, tell it"