home sweet home?

The reality has been so much harder than I prepped myself for. I didn’t think saying goodbye would be so hard. So emotional. So heartbreaking. So scary. But it has been. I didn’t think I’d truly experience much of a culture shock. But I am. I didn’t really think it got that hot here. But it was still 100 degrees at 7:15pm. I didn’t know God would be so sweet to us. But He has been.

We took off Friday morning to move down south. My parents & my brother & sis-in-law (Jake & Jen) & their baby (Kylie Jo) & Seth’s parents came to help us move in. 5 vehicles, 2 trailers, 9 people, & 600 miles of road. We arrived around 4:15ish and after Seth & I practically signed our lives away to get the keys to our apartment, we walked into our new home. We started unloading the trailers & carrying in the boxes and boxes and boxes. Did I mention we chose to live on the third floor? We are beyond thankful for an amazingly hardworking & motivated family to help us unload & unpack!

The first night- that was easy. We had a full house full of family and slept very well due to pure exhaustion. The looming thought about everyone leaving us- not so easy. Saturday consisted of more unpacking & a tour of FamilyLife for our families. Then came the first hard part: my parents were going to leave for home. Wow. That was a lot harder than I thought. For both of us. Here they are- saying goodbye to their only grandbaby & son & daughter-in-law from Texas, & leaving their daughter & son-in-law in Arkansas. It was a quick & hard goodbye. Mom & I cried a lot.

Next came Jake & Jen & Kylie Jo. They were going to leave a few hours later. After a quick dinner and a few last minute things, we walked them out to the car to say goodbye. That was so hard. Lots more crying.

Thankfully Seth’s parents were going to stay one more night so we didn’t have to say goodbye to everyone at one time. We ran some errands with them. As we were pulling in the parking lot of Home Depot I found myself staring at the people like I was expecting them to look different or something- like I was in Africa instead of Arkansas. We went into the store & I was asking a sales clerk a question. As I was listening to him I realized I had no idea what he was saying because I was stuck on something. His accent. I forgot people have southern accents here & they actually do sound a lot different than Illinois people. Not a big deal, I know, but it hit me at that moment- I’m in a new land & it doesn’t feel very familiar to me.

Later that night I just laid there, sobbing.

Me: are you sure this is what we are supposed to do?

Seth: absolutely baby, without a doubt.

Me: I want to go back home

Seth: I know you do, but I know without a doubt we are supposed to be here.

Me: yeah. I know…I might cry a lot.

Seth: I know, I’m ready for it.

Me: are you scared?

Seth: no, not really, I’m excited

Me: oh. well I’m scared…are you sure we are supposed to do this?

(multiply this exact conversation about 10 times since).

I called my mom about 11:00pm & sobbed to her for a while. It felt good to cry and to release all the unknowns and worries. We both cried together at the stinging reality that we now lived 600 miles apart.

We went to church this morning with Seth’s parents at a nearby church. It was huge. Much larger than any church we have back home. Here in the south- that’s common. People are also very nice in the south- that’s common here too- courtesy. Church was good. It was so good for our hearts to be there. Refreshing & needed. We met a few other FamilyLife staff. That was good for me- it helped relieve some of my intimidation factor of that “first day of school” feeling.

After church we had to say goodbye to Seth’s parents. The third and final goodbye. That was so hard. I wanted to cry out, “Take me with you, don’t leave me here!” Momma B and I cried a lot and hugged a lot. It was so hard to let them go. Seth & I stood there crying as we watched them drive away. “We are all alone now”, I cried to Seth as we walked up to our empty apartment. So again, we cried (more me crying than Seth). The same conversation as above played out again with Seth comforting me as best he could. I collapsed in his arms, crying. Tears of fear, of loneliness, of uncomfortable/unfamiliar, of being plain overwhelmed.

Me: are you sad?

Seth: *looks at me for a while & almost opens his mouth to reply*

Me: *while sobbing* it’s okay if you are…No wait… If you lose it, then I’m going to lose it and then that means you may not be sure if this is right... But if you need to lose it, it’s okay.

Seth: I am sad, but I’m so excited, baby. I know this is right. (Sometimes I’m so thankful for his stability).

Tomorrow is our first day at FamilyLife. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m unsure. Seth is very excited. It feels like the first day of school. I told him we need to pick out our outfits for our first day J.

God opened me to a verse this morning & I have been clinging to it. He’s been so sweet to me. Isaiah 33:6 “and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is Zion's treasure”. I love that- He will be the stability of this time for us. He is the constant & unchanging foundation.

Thanks again for all your prayers & your love. Even though this is hard, we know God is in the center of this and this is exactly right. I just wish that made it all the easier J.